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Cheesy Love Lines (or How NOT to Make a Woman Fall Head Over Heels)

8.16.14

n my novel, Profile, one of the characters received a card with the following line written on it:

Your legs must be tired, because you’re constantly running through my mind!

Yes, it’s cheesy. That was the point. And having heard tons of cheesy come-ons and pickup lines, I decided to see how many I could find. (This list is not meant to be exhaustive or all-inclusive. It’s meant to fill up space since I’m supposed to write a blog post every week.)

A cursory internet search turned up this gem:

Letters start with ABC, numbers start with 123, music starts with DO-RE-MI, love starts with YOU and ME!!

Not quite as clever as I was hoping for, but definitely cheesy! I could grill up a nice sandwich with that one.

Here’s one that was just too cute, kind of like the one in Profile:

Let me tie your shoes for you, because I don't want you falling for anyone else.

Or this one:

I don't have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?

Ladies, let me just point out that anybody who doesn’t have a library card is not worth your time. Move along.

I stumbled across this one, for the computer age:

We go together like copy and paste.

Cute, kind of cheesy, definitely techie, but I moved on. And I found this one which set my teeth on edge:

If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Yes, I admit it, I’m a grammar Nazi. So using you (or “U”) and I when it should be you and me, well yes, it’s cheesy, but in my mind it loses points for improper grammar.

I'm new in town. Could I have directions to your apartment?

Cheesy? Absolutely. The person using this line could have season tickets for the Green Bay Packers.

Is your father a terrorist? Because you’re the bomb.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Are you a parking ticket because you’ve got fine written all over you?

For some reason, I’m seeing a guy with his shiny polyester shirt unbuttoned below his solar plexus, gold chains sharing space with his chest hair, uttering these lines with one eyebrow cocked. Ladies, if you’re swept off your feet by these lines, you’re on your own. You deserve each other.

How about this little collection:

You’re like my asthma, you take my breath away.

You’re like dandruff; I can’t get you out of my head.

You’re like my car, you drive me crazy.

You’re like dentures, I can’t smile without you.

Considering the apparent health of the person saying these lines, a woman who falls for any of them should make sure that the person uttering them is rich, and that he includes her in a generous prenup! Cheese factor – get the macaroni!

Okay, I’m going to call it quits. It’s not that I’ve run out of them. I just can’t keep looking at them. And the smell of cheese is overpowering!